Start Seeing Success – It’s in More Places Than You Realize!

We all like to have explanations for what happens in life. We feel more secure when we can point to a clear cause and effect. Sometimes, however, needing these reasons gets in our way and gets us down. If we struggle to explain the way things evolved, we may be setting up ourselves and those around us for a sense of failure. Instead of seeking reasons that may unfathomable or unsatisfactory from a logical standpoint, let’s discover ways we can understand the events in our lives from a “success perspective.” Let’s start seeing success where we may not have realized its existence due to our very human insistence on things being explainable, rational, and organized. Let’s nurture the feeling that we are in active partnership with a higher purpose and/or higher power and that even if the results of this partnership are not obvious, we have fulfilled what we set out to do simply because we are here and are living each day as best we know how.

We did our best. To see events in this way, we need to let go of the view that success always means persevering through thick and thin. Of course there are times when it is important to keep going when the going gets tough, and yet it is not the duration of our efforts as much as it is the quality of them that’s important. If we have sincerely given our best with the skills and knowledge we posses, we have truly done it all and done enough. After all, what more is there to provide when you have already given your best?

We are manifesting “the whole” by working the parts. When we can see the small, but by no means insignificant success of simply having the courage to move step-by-step through each day, we can release ourselves from the burden of needing to have all the answers or be “perfect.” True accomplishment comes from being present and facing what comes, good or bad. Being able to say we have achieved some outward standard of excellence, although wonderful, is not possible in many instances. Further, these accomplishments are certainly not as important as the internal satisfaction of moving forward when it would be easier to hide from our challenges or stay stuck.

We have grown. Interestingly, when we make positive changes we can still feel that we have failed because these changes may reveal that some of our relationships and circumstances are no longer a good fit. Rather than celebrating our increased self-awareness and rejoicing in our improved conditions, we beat ourselves up, get scared, and try to change back in order to make ourselves and others feel more comfortable. When we can see that we are changing our connection with what is familiar rather than cutting it off as we move forward, we put things into the proper perspective. We realize that we can continue to show love and respect for our old friends and our old ways and thereby help others not to feel threatened by our new level of awareness and development.

We have made a difference. Another way to see success is to look at our life in terms of the opportunities we have had to make a difference. When we evaluate our performance with a gratitude mindset, we open ourselves up to see how, as challenging as a situation or relationship is or was, we were probably able to do something that was constructive, helpful, or kind. Sometimes a smile is all it takes to brighten someone’s day and we may have been the person who gave that simple gift of warmth. Give thanks for these little opportunities to make a difference and see them as the successes that they are.

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We may not feel as though we have a say in how our lives unfold, but we do get to control our reactions to its ups and downs. How might you cultivate a “glass half full” attitude? Where can you see bright spots in dark times that, if they were made the focus of your attention, would have positive consequences for all involved? Notice success in small things and watch it multiply in large ways. Choose to see success – it’s all around you!

Saying Yes to Yourself, Instead of Saying No to Others

Instead of worrying about saying “no” to others, consider how you might say “yes” to yourself. It’s a subtle shift, but a powerful one. Pursuing this philosophy can make a big difference towards living a more joyful and authentic life.

Saying “no” to others can feel bad or negative. Saying “yes” to yourself can feel renewing, energizing, and affirming.

Often when we refuse another’s request we feel guilty or unsupportive. This happens even if the request is not entirely reasonable. This sets up a negative pattern of agreeing to things that might be uncomfortable or inconvenient. And when we take on things that we shouldn’t, we tend to feel bad, so our attempt to avoid these feelings doesn’t end up working anyway. After all, is exhaustion or resentment any better than feeling guilty or unsupportive?

How can we release ourselves from this pattern and begin saying “yes” to ourselves instead of “no” to others? Try some of the methods below:

• Be proactive. Structure your schedule in a way that best suits your needs and responsibilities. Let people know that you need to fulfill the items on your agenda before you can make any other commitments. This is a way to say “yes” to yourself in the form of honoring your schedule–rather than feeling anxious about how you might say “no” to spontaneous requests.

• Do your own stuff first. If you are facing multiple demands in a day or a week, complete your own tasks first and then tackle things for others. This not only helps you fulfill your commitments, but also better ensures that you will have time, energy, and space for others in the long run.

• Choose wisely. Respect time for the limited quantity that it is and do only those things that seem reasonable. Ask yourself if the task is something you that fits your values, if it’s realistic given your other duties, and/or if it even needs to be done at all. If the answer is no to any of these questions, there are probably other things you could say yes to that are more worthy of your time and effort.

• Pause before getting started. Did anyone ask you specifically or directly to help or are you taking care of things out of habit? Release the compulsion to manage everything. Who knows, you may inadvertently be blocking others’ participation!

• Think big picture. What are your goals? Does doing this or that task for others help you achieve your goals or impede your progress? If it’s the latter, re-prioritize in order to let go of those things that are keeping your attention away from realizing your objectives.

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Try out the strategies above (or use them as an inspiration to create your own) and begin saying “yes” to yourself. By doing so, saying “no” to others will become less and less of an issue – your life will be set up in such a way that unreasonable demands simply will not have a place. How exciting is that?!

Instead of Inside-Out, Try Outside-In!

Instead of Inside-Out, Try Outside-In!

While we often think of self-discovery as an internal process, one that is focused on getting to know your core self through introspection, there is important information to be found in your external environment. Look around. What do the structures you have created and/or inhabit tell you about yourself and your values? Surveying the different contexts in which you live, work, and play point to the hopes, dreams, and concerns of your internal world as well as point to what brings you meaning and satisfaction. The usual advice encourages an “inside-out” approach, but why not try going from the “outside-in” instead?!

What might this look like? Ask yourself: who, what, where, when? And as you ask, consider what is working for you now, what could work for you in the future, as well as what has worked for you in the past (perhaps including what brought you joy as a child). Answers to these questions offer clues to the external manifestations of your inner compass.

Who?

Who is and has been supporting you and encouraging you to be yourself and live your values? Who would you like to know better or see more often because they seem to bring out your best?  Who challenges you to think deeply and act courageously? What do these people have in common? What are they telling you about who you are and who you hope to become?

What?

What objects are in your home and the other spaces you frequently inhabit (like your place of employment or favorite restaurant) and do you see any patterns in the objects that are present? Do the objects tell you a story about who you are and what you find pleasing? In these places, consider the number of objects, their arrangement, their color, their feel, their scent, etc. and what this says about what makes you feel energized, safe, happy, or otherwise.

Where?

Where do you feel most alive? Where do you feel most comfortable? Are there locations – near or far, actually visited or merely longed for – that are especially wonderful to you? What is the vibe or energy of those places? What does this say about what might be missing in your life? Where, perhaps, should you be spending more time?

When?

When do you feel your best: morning, noon, or night; weekdays or weekends; winter or summer; moving slow or moving fast? Think about the times when you are relaxed and happy, when you are free of self-consciousness, when your focus is on the moment and the goodness it brings. When does this usually occur? How might you structure your life, work, and/or play to take advantage of your natural flow and energy cycles?

Your external environment is a window to your internal environment. Studying who and what’s around you and where and when you feel your best, determining what makes these contexts appealing, and then making an effort to see what they have in common can help you seek and attract more situations that engage the best of who you are.

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With whom, what, where, and when do you feel most yourself? What features in these contexts contribute to your sense of authenticity and meaningfulness? How can you make conscious use of these special characteristics to celebrate and sustain your core values from the outside in?

Love Uniquely & Specifically

It is February and almost Valentine’s Day. At this time of year, traditional expressions of caring are popular. The media and the entertainment industry provide idealized images of lovers exchanging luxury items or dining in lavish restaurants. As appealing as these conventional approaches can be, what if we tried exchanging something very different yet equally beautiful to honor love?

This Valentine’s Day, why not give your thoughts and appreciation as gifts? How often do we take the time to tell significant others – whether lovers, family, or friends – how and why we value them? Do something unique and out of the ordinary by letting those you love know what specifically you find great about them. Here are few ideas to get you started:

• Make a list of things you admire in your loved one

• Share a cherished memory of time spent together

• Fill in the blank, “You are wonderful because_________.”

• Compose a poem featuring the positive attributes of your significant other

• Write a story that illustrates your esteem

• Play (or sing) a favorite song with lyrics that captures how you feel

• Have a conversation where the goal is expressing appreciation

• Say “Thank you” or “I love you” or “I care”

Try one of these simple but powerful suggestions. Most of us have not done this for those we care about in a long time and some of us have yet to try this. Be brave, as it may seem a little awkward to express your feelings, especially if it’s been awhile. Nevertheless, we think the benefits of goodwill will outweigh any initial discomfort you may feel and indeed may motivate you to reach out regularly to let important others know you care. After all, a holiday is not necessary to demonstrate caring.

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What difference could we make in our relationships if we simply told others what we admired about them? Instead of a grand gesture, or traditional or expensive gifts, what if we gave something infinitely sweeter and shared the truth in our hearts? Use this Valentine’s Day as a reason to tell your significant others why they are special – who knows, they may just do the same for you?!

Mapping Your Next Year

Welcome to 2012! Since twelve is a number that crops up all over the place and seems to have some sort of special significance – twelve eggs to a dozen; the twelve tribes of Israel and the twelve Apostles, the twelve signs of the Zodiac; the twelve days of Christmas; the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, the “twelfth of never” – we thought we’d make twelve recommendations for self-discovery for the coming year, one for each of the twelve months in the year. And to make even more of the number twelve, we created our list in acrostic form using two iterations of the letters that spell the word twelve T, W, E, L, V and E.

January: T – Try something new.

February: W – Wonder at the world’s beauty.

March: E – Engross yourself in meaningful activities.

April: L – Let go of baggage – actual and emotional.

May: V – Volunteer to help, formally or informally.

June: E – Envision a brighter future.

July: T – Take a risk.

August: W – Watch and learn.

September: E – Engage with a mentor.

October: L – Listen patiently and actively.

November: V – Vary your routine.

December: E – Excel at being you by simply being yourself!

Start the year off with something fresh, follow that up with an appreciation of what your environment already offers and take advantage of opportunities as they arise. Look across your life and let go of what isn’t working, offer your help to others with your newly available time (remember you let go of what wasn’t working!) and picture where these efforts will take you. Put fear on hold and jump into something where the outcome may be uncertain but the act of trying itself feels rewarding, and pay attention to feedback, guidance, and advice from trusted family, friends and colleagues. End the year alert to options, alive to possibilities and aware of all that you are and can become.

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We found using a pattern of numbers and letters useful as we pondered the year ahead. What systems or frameworks might inspire you to forge a more meaningful life in 2012? How might tapping into them help you to make your self-discovery goals easier to organize and imagine and therefore easier to achieve? Mostly we’d most like to encourage you, not just as your final goal in December, but all year long to focus on living as the real you. Not only is this good for your overall wellbeing but no one else can fulfill this role but you and others may need the authentic “you” much more than you realize!

Back to Basics: How to Make the Holiday Season Truly Bright

In the US and in many other spots around the world, it seems that each year we have become more obsessed with the material trappings of the holiday season. There is a sense of pressure and urgency to buy, spend, and overdo it. The impact may be more intense for those of us who celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, but it reaches all of us regardless of whether we come from a tradition of exchanging gifts at this time of year or not.

How did we get to this place? We can’t simply blame the marketers, advertisers, and retailers. After all, we staff these organizations and they merely reflect the culture from which they originate. Perhaps we need to examine our motives for following and perpetuating this trend. Perhaps we need to face our personal insecurities telling us that we are not good enough if we don’t buy the latest toy for our children or grandchildren or the latest fashion or gadget for ourselves.

What would happen if we all paused for a moment to ask ourselves what really matters? What might we see if we spent some time contemplating the true nature of giving and receiving? If we did, would we still think we could find meaning and joy at a store or wrapped in a box?

Think about what authentic giving and receiving means to you. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• When interacting with someone you love and who makes you happy is this good feeling generated because you are both wearing the latest fashions while riding together in a brand new luxury car or is it the quality of the conversation?

• When you feel especially close to a friend or family member is this because you have had an expensive dinner at the trendiest restaurant or is it because you have shared something about yourself and encouraged the same intimacy in your companion?

• When thoroughly enjoying an activity with significant others is this because collectively you have an opportunity to impress each or is it because you are appreciating the collaboration that occurs when people feel comfortable being themselves with one another?

We would like to inspire you to throw off the cultural programming that tells you that giving material things is required if you want to be a good friend, parent, lover, spouse, etc. and see that honoring the spirit of the holiday season is more than purchasing things.

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Let’s start a revolution that puts gift-giving in the proper perspective: a lovely symbol of caring that neither replaces the caring itself, nor is a requirement to prove anything to yourself or loved ones. Let’s go back to basics and realize anew that love is the true currency of giving and receiving – what could be brighter than this?!

Are the Costumes or Roles We Wear Wearing Us?

Pirates, black cats, princesses, and vampires to name just a few of the costumes you may have seen on “trick-or-treaters” at your door last week. On Halloween you probably saw costumes that were homemade, some that were handed down, and some that were newly purchased. These costumes may have been very special and gratified a child’s fondest wish, or been thrown together in haste. All of them came with the basic premise that they were to be worn just for a night. If they didn’t fit right, made moving around a challenge, or failed to elicit the expected response, it was a disappointment, but not a big deal. After all they could be rectified with a promise of something better for next year.

Not so for many of us and the roles we have taken to “wearing.” How many of us explore with any regularity the idea that these might not be an ideal fit? How often do we question the continuing appropriateness of roles that were handed down or taken on to make others’ lives easier?

Take a moment to examine one or two of the key roles in your life using the dress-up metaphor.  Perhaps there is a way to better tailor existing ones or choose something new in the hope that you might find something with a better fit.

• At the beginning of a challenging day, does donning the “costume” of this role give you strength and confidence? Does it offer features that make you feel at ease and ready for action or does living this role make you feel you uncomfortable and inept?

• When you look in the mirror while dressed for this role, does the reflection show you at your best? Do you see the real you or does the role require you to hide your true self behind a mask?

• If you were to ask others how it is to be around you when you are in this role would they report that the interaction was a treat? Does your presence energize them and help them fulfill their own roles or would they perceive you as just going through the motions without a sense of vitality or integrity?

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If you look at your roles do you see someone else’s expectations or dreams? Do you see something that once seemed great but now doesn’t match who you are? Or do you see a version of Frankenstein – something crudely assembled from whatever was available rather than consciously composed to suit who you are? Think about how you might set about reinventing (or moving beyond) the roles you play with a little time in spent self-discovery.  Show yourself you matter by seeking a custom fit!