Take Off The Mask, But Try A Costume

Halloween prompted us to think about the masks we’ve worn in life as well as the idea of “being ourselves.” There are definitely times when it’s appropriate to wear a mask, a face that we present to the world that only partially shows who we are. There are even times when a “suit of armor” is required to protect ourselves from the blows of judgment inflicted upon us by others knowingly and unknowingly. As life unfolds, and as more of these experiences occur, most of us begin to question the price of wearing these protective devices. Are these masks are still serving us or have we become trapped behind them? Do these shields really keep us safe or have they become tools for self-injury – no outside judgment required?

Consider using Halloween as permission to try two things. First, discard any guise that has become limiting or painful. Let yourself transcend the caricatured get-ups that are more about “shoulds” and expectations than truth and self-respect. Conversely, consider trying on some new costumes. Put on and try out ways of being that highlight different, new, exciting, and/or fun aspects of yourself.

Costumes can be liberating and provide us a means to move into and act out new roles, exploring new sides to ourselves. And the “costume” need not be elaborate! Any change, small or large will suffice. The key is to “wear” something to help you feel free to besomething that is not typical for you. Here are some methods to assist you in giving costumes a go:

Literally wear a traditional costume to a Halloween event, a party, or even around the house to experience yourself as a different “you.” If wearing the costume while with others, notice how they respond to you, notice how you act – what’s different, what’s surprising, etc.?

“Act as if.” Which means that you act as if a particular thing were true. For example, act as if you are happy with who you are, imperfections and all – what would you do, what would you say, how would you carry yourself if this was true for you?

Put on a hat, stylish or goofy; dress in a color or type of fabric that is unusual for you; accessorize with a scarf, bowtie, jewelry, etc., that someone you imagine to be playful or interesting would wear. Use these items to help you become this other person – how would you feel, what would adventures would you enjoy if you were able to explore reality from this more upbeat perspective?

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Remove the masks and armor holding you back. Release the need to style yourself on the outdated expectations of others. Dress up as your best self, choosing guises that reflect the true you. Experiment by trying on new “costumes” – use Halloween as an invitation to play and uncover more about who you are!

Influencing Yourself

Many of you will be familiar with Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” but have you ever thought that the most important person to befriend is yourself? Here we highlight a few of Carnegie’s principles in terms of how they might be applied to the person over whom you have the greatest influence – yourself!

Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. How often are you your own harshest critic? When something goes wrong, how quick are you to begin to condemn yourself for having screwed up? How effective is this criticism or condemnation in convincing you to change your behavior? See the next point for an antidote to this form of self-sabotage.

Give honest and sincere appreciation. This is the flipside of point one. Take the time to give yourself a pat on the back when your plans succeed, when all that effort pays off and you accomplish more than you might have thought possible. Don’t take the good things for granted, savor and appreciate them as they happen and then reflect on them for inspiration when the going gets tough.

If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. We all make mistakes, misjudge people or circumstances. When the inevitable happens, explore the messages in the missteps and then remind yourself to let go and move on. Learn from what’s happened and then do your best to let the wrong turn stay exactly where it belongs, in the past, as you’ve absorbed the lessons it had to offer.

Smile. Try it right now even if times are tough. Think of something that brings you joy and makes you laugh. Feels good, doesn’t it? Smiling makes happy times happier and sad times more bearable. A grim face can make for a grim outlook whatever you are facing so the next time you are in the midst of something tough, pause for a moment to smile.

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The most important person to influence for the better is you. Build on Carnegie’s ideas and befriend yourself. And although there are many more items on Carnegie’s list worth considering, we will close with a modified version of just one: Become genuinely interested in yourself. You won’t regret deepening this relationship!

Releasing Attachments (but not to what to you might think!)

In life we get very attached to things: our possessions, our routines, our traditions, etc. Yet perhaps our most stubborn attachments are not to what we have or what we do, but to how we see things. Have you ever struggled to change your mind when faced with evidence that contradicts something you believed to be true or that indicates that what you once thought impossible is not only possible, but, is or has occurred? If so, then you understand just how strong mental attachments can be and you are in good company. In the past scientists and scholars believed such notions as “bathing is bad for health” and “the world is flat.” We may laugh at these false beliefs now but at one time they were considered unerringly correct and held sway over much of the world.

Changing our minds means changing our worldview and this can feel uncomfortable, confusing or threatening. These feelings often surface even though adopting a new outlook would enable us to see things more accurately and thereby improve our lives. Recognizing that benefits usually result from increased knowledge can help make revising our thinking a little easier. Here are some simple ideas to help ease the discomfort of these transitions:

• Seek the comfort of history – across the ages, many cherished beliefs, no matter how illustrious their sources, have had to be abandoned.

• Remember times you re-considered something and by putting this new learning into action you made a positive impact in a relationship, task, or procedure.

• Cultivate a sense of play and experimentation when exploring challenging subjects – taking things too seriously or worrying excessively usually makes us less productive.

• Maintain a sense of humor and humility – if you start with the premise that you don’t know everything, you can be open to new ideas, interesting surprises, unexpected benefits – and you might even be able to laugh at yourself!

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What can history show us about the importance of keeping an open mind? How can you find ways to let go of what you think you know in order to see what is actually out there? How can you find ways to challenge your thinking in order to reach a more expanded perspective? Make an effort to loosen your mental attachments – nothing new can enter a closed mind!

Life – The Most Important Educational Tool of All

Whether we call it the University of Life, the School of Hard Knocks, every one of us has experiences that have helped us to learn and grow. As June was the month of graduation ceremonies around the US, we suggest you take a moment to honor of the hard work you have put toward becoming who you are. Imagine you are assembling your “transcript of life” and awarding yourself a self-discovery diploma.

Sample Life Transcript

Core Curriculum
Street Smarts 101
Uncommon Common Sense
Communications: Intra- and Inter-personal
Contemporary Adult Civilization
Applied Mathematics: Making Things Add Up Even When They Don’t

Electives
Topics in Engineering: Pulling Yourself Up by Your Bootstraps
Creative Writing: Employment, Educational & Financial Applications
Modern Dance: Achieving Work-Life-Play Balance
Anthropology 101: Early Adulthood through Middle Age, Lessons in Exhaustion
Anthropology 201: Middle Age to the Golden Years, Lessons in Individuation
Advanced Physics: Things Are Not What They Seem

When looking back over all the ups & downs of your course load, can you see that the very act of getting through it all is an achievement worthy of celebration? Can you give yourself credit for the many triumphs in your transcript of life? Recognize the courage and commitment it has taken to persevere through life’s challenges. Feel your metaphorical graduation gown fluttering in the breeze as you take another brave step forward down the road of life. See your mentors smile and nod in congratulations as you cross the threshold to graduate. Watch them as they wave you on to pursue even greater adventures. As you toss your “hat” in the air, hear the cheers of friends and family in acknowledgment of a journey well travelled. Award yourself a self-discovery diploma such as the one below – you’ve earned it!

My ELS Diploma 

In acknowledgement of my voyage of self-discovery, I hereby award myself the degree of Explorer of Life and Self – ELS. With this diploma I decree my Summa cum Laude status at journeying this far as well as recognizing with humility how much more there is to learn.  By the powers vested in me by myself, I go forward into 2013 and beyond focused on becoming even more of who I am while sharing whatever wisdom I have to encourage others to do the same.

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How can you see yourself, no matter your age or position, as a “graduate of life”? How can you find ways to celebrate and honor all you have been through, thereby giving yourself the respect you deserve? What would it feel like to see yourself as a success; as having achieved something regardless of whether others would recognize it or not? Grant yourself an ELS degree today. Make an effort to love the unique transcript you’ve assembled – no one else has your experience!

Low Stakes Change for High Stakes Potential

Sometimes we find ourselves in a rut, feeling sluggish, bored and with too much time on our hands. Sometimes the opposite occurs and we feel like things are too busy, too rushed and too out of control. Yet what both these situations have in common is that change is needed. Even if we understand this intellectually, change can feel scary and intimidating. So how can we make change feel more comfortable and even fun? By starting small!

Here are a few simple ideas to get you going – the point is to step outside your usual patterns:

• Spend a few minutes outside, even if the weather isn’t perfect, to refresh yourself and stimulate new thinking

• If you always do the cooking, let a family member or a restaurant take over this duty; if you never cook, give it a try

• Test out a new style that appeals to you but might be described as “too much” – too dressy, too attention-getting, too colorful, too young, etc. – release the judgment temporarily and give some aspect of it a try

• Don’t say “yes” just because this is what you always do; say “no” when you can and want to say “no”

• If you typically order a particular coffee, sandwich or entree, when you go out, pick something a little different

• Give yourself permission to temporarily “unplug” as the messages will be there when you return

• When you hear something that irritates you, remain quiet or change the subject instead of arguing; or, if you usually avoid sensitive topics, calmly share your point of view without, of course, expecting instant understanding or agreement

• Ask a friend to think of something simple that she/he has always thought you should you try – a new walking trail, book, cuisine, etc. – and then help you get what you need to experience it

• If you never listen to music, put the radio on, if you love TV, try a magazine, if you typically surround yourself with noise, try a little silence

• Wear your hair differently; if it’s short, change where you part it, if it’s long, put it up or wear it down; see how it feels to do the opposite of what you typically do

• Make someone’s day, pay a stranger a compliment instead of keeping your admiring thoughts to yourself

• Request an opinion from someone who seems very different from you and see if you learn something unexpected

• Take a break from needing to make your own or others’ actions “good” or “bad,” instead try to experience events without labeling them

• Ask “why not?” instead of “why?”

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We tend to think that we need to do big things to bring about growth and yet growth comes from small steps as well as large ones. Get into the habit of making small changes, they are the foundation upon which big, long-lasting shifts can be built – give it a “small” try today!

The Paradox of Vulnerability

When someone says, “I feel vulnerable” we typically assume that this is a negative state. We tend to associate vulnerability with weakness. A vulnerable person may come under attack – physically, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually.

The paradox of vulnerability, though, is that unless we truly open ourselves to things that evoke fear – acknowledging areas of difficulty or ignorance – we may never be able to embrace fully our areas of strength and expertise. Power comes not from just seeing where we are gifted, but from also recognizing where we need to seek partnership, help, or advice from others. True authority comes from accepting ourselves as “learners” rather than trying to be all knowing or perfect.

When we can accept ourselves as vulnerable this can foster inner peace and greater self-confidence. We see that we don’t need to do it all on our own or have all the answers. Once we are freed from the shackles of perfectionism, we can focus our efforts on those areas where we can really make a difference. This is great for us, and the world, because we have more energy to invest in those areas where we can truly shine and develop. And perhaps just as critical, we feel empowered to take risks and build new talents because we are no longer burdened by the false belief that we have to do it “right” or not at all.

Here are a few thoughts on how you might begin to explore your vulnerability.

• Take a class in something that takes you just a bit out of your comfort zone: square dancing, archery, foreign language, poetry, etc.

• Volunteer for a group that will take you to a new neighborhood, environment or landscape

• Ask someone with whom you share a significant age gap (older or younger) for their philosophy on trying new things

• Share a problem with a friend who usually comes to you for advice

• Answer the question “How are you?” with something more accurate and genuine than “Fine”

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How can we make a regular practice of exploring our vulnerability? How can having a deeper awareness of what we lack help us to take greater pride in our gifts and perhaps use them more wisely? Fear and vulnerability won’t go away, but seeing them as pathways to growth can help turn them from foes to friends!

That Special Someone is Much Closer Than You Think!

It’s February again and with that comes Valentine’s Day and thoughts of finding that “special someone.” All of us want love, affection, and companionship and many of us hope that this will be the time when we find someone who can be “The One” for us. While this romantic notion is reinforced by our culture, it asks us to search outside ourselves for happiness. It limits our focus to an idealized future. We become preoccupied with how things could be when “Mr. or Ms. Right” arrives. We miss the potential for a variety of happy experiences in the present moment because we are too busy waiting for a specific sort of “romantic happiness” later.

How can you bring your awareness back to where you are today and therefore increase your opportunities for love and joy right now? As Deepak Chopra said to a woman who asked him how she could find her special someone, “Stop looking for the right one. Be the right one.”†

Here are some simple suggestions on how you might do just that:

Instead of searching for someone attractive, be attractive. Eat healthy food, exercise, get your hair cut or styled, try some new clothes, make your living and working spaces inviting, notice and appreciate the attractiveness of others.

Instead of searching for someone caring, be caring. Make the effort to reach out to people who might be lonely or are going through tough times, ask others how they are and then listen sincerely, do something simple that makes another person feel special.

Instead of searching for someone exciting, be exciting. Learn something new, try a new sport or activity, go somewhere you have never gone before, do something just for fun, question your patterned responses, challenge yourself to keep an open mind when experiencing unfamiliar ideas or people.

Instead of searching for someone successful, be successful. Do your job to the best of your ability, see your efforts as important regardless of whether your work is seen as glamorous, look for a new career if your job feels unfulfilling, don’t ever let your paycheck define your worth.

Bring power back to your present moment. Enjoy your life now. Be the attractive, caring, exciting, successful person you seek. Doing so will not only help you develop yourself, but it will also help you attract people with these same qualities.

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Stretch your concept of finding love. See that sincerely loving and enjoying yourself is the best way to find love with another. If you are looking for someone special, start by being that someone yourself!

†p. 69, The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Power of Your True Self, by D. Chopra, D. Ford, and M. Williamson (HarperCollins, 2010).  www.theshadoweffect.com